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Holding myself back and letting more out


I had to rearrange my training schedule this week to accommodate a late meeting and (yay) vacation. But after recording my workout tonight, something seemed a little odd. I looked at my schedule, did some quick math, and realized that I will be very close to being at 100 miles again this month.

My first ever 100 mile month was June. I was so excited. I have to say, with the prospect there again this month, I’m not any less excited about this one! Especially knowing that I have 100 miles planned next month, I could have two 100 mile-months in a row! But at the same time, if everything goes as planned, I will only be at 95 miles this month. I don’t think increasing mileage just to hit 100 is a good idea, so I’m not going to aim for it, exciting as it may be.

I’ve been thinking about blogging a lot in the last few weeks. And I’ve been thinking about what makes a good blog. I decided I should tell you something that I’ve kept inside for a long time.

After high school, I had knee surgery. I was planning to run in college, but when I got there, I was so burnt out. I didn’t care. I didn’t want to run. And I didn’t. I ran maybe 4 or 5 times through college, despite watching my best friend love a season on the cross-country team. After I graduated, I didn’t run for another year and a half or so.

And now, I’m so mad about it. For the last 6 years, I’ve struggled. First to get back in shape so I could run a mile, then run three. Then I struggle constantly to get faster. I know my body is capable of so much more than I can do now, and I’m so mad that maybe I had the chance to actually keep the speed and fitness I had and I didn’t because I didn’t think I needed to.

I don’t want it to sound like I’m nothing but bitter. I love running – it gets me through life. And I’m so grateful for the ability to have run several half-marathons and a marathon, and the fact that a 10K is now a great spur-of-the-moment run. And I love watching myself get faster. But I am a little disappointed in myself; in what I maybe had and will never get back. I mean, I expect I’ll get faster, and maybe even get up to 7 minute miles again with hard work. But baring major life miracles, I will not do 6 minute miles again. I’d like to say I have no regrets, but it’s not true. I do regret not giving running more of a chance in college; I regret not giving myself the chance to run and run fast.

So now I’m trying to make up for it. I give thanks for long runs; for every step and every breathe. And I cherish every speed workout. I love the feeling of challenging my lungs and my legs to go faster than they think they should, and I love finishing and knowing I did the workout I set out to do. I may have missed out on what could have been, but there is no way I’m going to allow myself to miss out on what’s to come. I’m going to attack it and enjoy it and give it everything I’ve got. And I’m going to forgive myself for not running in college, because now I appreciate it so much more that I’ve had to work for it, again.

posted under running

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